Mountain Bikers beware Land Rover coming for you
Posted on 10. Nov, 2009 by vincenthofmann in Blog, Culture, featured, opinion
I’ve just got home after a long day’s work. On my way home I had to halt my march toward the comfort of my couch because three or four care free mountain bikers, straddled to their carbon fibre steeds, raised their right hands to me and forced me to let them pass. What gives them the right to do this? Who gave these road-nazis the mandate to regulate the flow of traffic? Who the fuck do they really think they are?
Cycling is great, it’s eco-friendly and encourages healthy living, but perhaps with each pedal cyclists grow bigger balls, women included. Perhaps, with each new gadget added to their bikes, with ever tighter spandex pants wrapped around their thighs, and compressed minds trapped within their aerodynamic helmets, cyclists grow more brave, and become what I’ve dubbed tarmac-fascists. For instance, whilst en route home, a female cyclist with particularly large thighs, cycled merrily in front of cars tearing down 7th road in Parkhurst. She, bulging with the fascist hormone, brought on by her abundance of cycling gadgets, put her hand in the air and caused four vehicles to break sharply and stop mid drive so that she could pass. Now as far as I can tell, cars drive on the road, mountain bikes drive on the dirt. Whilst I now dream of it, you shan’t find me squeezing my Land Rover down the mountain bike tracks running from Fourways right the way to Linden. Surely the same logic should apply to mountain bikers? Don’t try to force me off the road, and scowl at me when I flip you the finger, because you, like me, are entitled to the road, but are also subject to its rules.
In addition to the cycling bravado-psychosis, mountain bikers seem to disobey the rules of the road more frequently than their road bike riders, perhaps mountain biking is a slightly more risky sport and therefore demands a risk-friendly rider? Nevertheless, the mountain bikers I’ve recently encountered have skipped lights, have nudged their way past traffic, oozing their way through the less than viscous road traffic like shit oozing through your toes in a bog. Once again, this is not simply a dig at mountain bikers in general, some of you no doubt obey the rules of the road because, like me, you use motorised transport as your primary way of getting round, perhaps I ought to aim my despair at those mountain bikers who pedal perpetually, the kind of person who enters Vida e Caffe in their tight spandex and feels no shame at their foolish attire, and the kind of employee who enters the workplace, without a freshen up, after a hard cycle to work?
Mountain bikers are as entitled to the road as I am, but let’s ensure that when they encroach upon the tarmac, where their dirt-bikes ought never roam I shall in future respond appropriately and bring my dream Landy to their domain and by god I will cause havoc.
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14 Responses to “Mountain Bikers beware Land Rover coming for you”
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mmm, with you on that one Vince. As runners, we have far more respect for the road than cyclists. A runner runs all the way on a training run; while a cyclist coasts along dressed in gear that can be seen from space. Do those guys get paid for that advertising all over their bodies I wonder… Then there’s a little courtesy called ‘ a greeting’ – runners dispatch cheerful greetings to all they pass by, yet most cyclists ignore or merely scowl. Don’t even get me started on the coffee shop routine – seems the objective is to coast into a shopping centre parking lot on a Sunday morning in packs of three to twenty; load bikes onto and into vehicles and hobble into the coffee shop in cleated-shoes and enough polyester to give Greenpeace a heart murmer. Anyway, regarding your lead article – the Defender isn’t called the Defender for nothing…
oxy-morons! they should be riding in the mountains (of which there is a sum total of 0 in named city)! they are not mountain bikers; they are yuppies. you see mountain biking is cool now the same way headphone-radios were amazing in the 80′s. if these mo-fakers (mountainbike fakers) are seen on tar – tune them speedbumps.
yes, i mountain bike. in the mountain.
Oh the irony! Someone just pointed out to me: A comment about mountainbikes bikes not belonging in a city on tar roads from someone who drives a Land Rover!!!!
Hey Eugene, I’m afraid I drive an MG.
… geez, with the recent rains combined with our extremely proactive and efficient local municipalities, one needs a land rover (or even a mountain bike with wide gnarley tyres) to negotiate our lovely roads…
Read a number of stupid generalisations in the comments here. Ok in the article aswell, but it does form part of the humorous context.
No specific group is more greatly at fault on the roads, the sad reality is that in general we act like a bunch of tools, full of aggression and self righteous testosterone.
Being a runner, MTBer and driver with the occasional off road jaunt. I’ve come across idiots across the board, no-one takes the asshole crown, we all seem to share that one when it comes to consideration of others on the road.
Dino’s right, but good for a bit of banter… and Vince, I still agree that Defenders rock – even if they are just boxes on wheels… and there’s that silly ‘club’ of guys who drive them that wave or hoot when they see each other or another on the road.
For instance, whilst en route home, a female cyclist with particularly large thighs, cycled merrily in front of cars tearing down 7th road in Parkhurst. She, bulging with the fascist hormone, brought on by her abundance of cycling gadgets, put her hand in the air and caused four vehicles to break sharply and stop mid drive so that she could pass.
if that female with the particularly fat butt happen to work in rosebank, she has to cross jan smuts in some way – possibly at 7th, and possibly then the first right she could find, to go via back streets to the dirt, where her bike belongs.
now, if a car turns right to get out of 7th, he’d put on his indicator and stops mid-traffic till there’s a gap in the oncoming traffic. the 4 cars behind would just have to wait.
cyclists are traffic too.
Hi Cat,I made it very clear that I do not favour one vehicle type over another.
Perhaps when the subject matter is so full of sarcasm etc. you don’t feel the need to really justify your interpretation of what I’ve written.
Nevertheless, let me remind you, I ask only one thing, that both cyclists and motorists stick to the same rules for their chosen paths – hence my ludicrous claim about my landy on a mtb track.
Remember, that should she injure herself by performing an odd turn on an open road, the guilty party would be the motorist who clearly couldn’t have given a shit. That’s my point, I don’t want to injure anyone on the road, it pisses me off that someone dare put my mental health in jeopardy whilst putting their own life in such grave danger.
The lesson: cyclists are traffic too, smaller traffic, more vulnerable traffic but traffic nonetheless.
ha ha – was that en route to or from the mountain biker coffee shop – Europa is always a fave… yet I digress. Cat, at first your comment prompted me to hark back to the 1978 Queen song – Fat Bottomed Girls – ‘they’ll be riding today…’
You’re right about cyclist being traffic too. Technically a bicycle is regarded as a vehicle and should adhere to all road rules pertaining to moving vehicles – that includes driving/riding within the yellow line or emergency lane; but, who is going to stop a cyclist when the cops can’t stop a taxi (here comes a can of worms) from transgressing even the slightest of rules. Anyway, back to our lady cyclist. I’m tempted to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she was probably late to join her group of fellow cyclists at Delta Park which is… technically off-road.
s u b j e c t c l o s e d !
Mr. Vinvent Hoffman you have no backbone.
You are a wuss and you have no idea that you are. Get off your plush leather seat and go get a life.
Hey Mr Dee. Kay. Thanks for stopping by. So good of you to join the debate, we all really appreciate your contribution.
Ag Vincent jy is nou regte poepol. Ek is so bly jy het jou leerbank veilig bereik. Dankie tog nou kan jy die res van jou verkakte lewe geniet.