crayg

Fun — 1 comment
30
Mar 10

TV sucks

Television. So I have one now. Well, technically, it’s not mine. It’s my housemate’s. I don’t own such crap. Why? Because there’s a load of shit on. I caught the first five minutes of ‘True Blood’ the other night. It started with an emo wanker and his bleedy-eyed girlfriend riding around with their chommie in a 1979 Datsun Dipshit. Then they argued with each other till chommie leaps out the car in a teary-eyed rage and gets mauled by a Minotaur. That’s when I knew it was bed time.

Next we have Greys Anatomy. That’s also quite a special show. There’s some ginger haired freak that scares my inner child on that show. His main job is to walk around having mini-tantrums in peoples faces. He has no idea what personal space is and judging by the wrinkled noses of his co-stars, he has no idea what personal hygiene is either. The storyline was stupid. It involved some girl with no heart (waiting for her heart transplant) and some other guy that she didn’t really know loving her so much that he proposes to her. I’m assuming that he took out life insurance on her heartless ass right before the proposal (that’s the only way the plot would make any sense at all).

Finally we have my personal favourite form of hell : The Bold and the Beautiful. Why I sat through an entire episode God alone knows (and He probably won’t talk about it because it still sickens Him), but I did. So, the story went like this : some really old guy is marrying some really young girl on a beach. He tells her she’s so amazing and that her farts are vanilla scented and her inexplicable bad moods and PMS make him realise that he is indeed a wad of gayness that should die by anal rape in a Chinese prison. At this point I was distracted by his tiny piggy eyes. They were filled with Satanic lies. They proceeded to consumate their devil marriage on a bed on the beach. If I were jogging along a beach and I saw two spawns of evil boning each other on a makeshift bed, I would be quite upset. I would write a letter to the council and hopefully they’d have the bed removed.

Anyway, TV is shit.

Thanks.

Bye.

roflbot-KvKa

Fun — 10 comments
21
Feb 10

Give me your eggs

Fatherhood. It’s something that I’ve always wanted to be. A father. I’m great with kids, I’m super patient, I always find the best toys, I can change wee-wee nappies and I know people that are willing to change the poo ones. There is just one huge obstacle standing in the way of me experiencing daddy-bliss. A woman. Well, more accurately, the lack thereof. I suppose I could go on the tedious mission of meeting someone, pretending to like her and then lie about the condom breaking, but that sounds so deceitful and time-consuming. Emphasis on the word time-consuming. My birthday is in a few weeks time, I ain’t gettin’ any younger. So, what can I do?

Option one is adoption. I’ve already looked into this and there are quite a few good programs out there. The thought of grabbing some random kid out of a life of despair and hopelessness and introducing him to a new kind of despair and hopelessness seems appealing.

But then I see myself in the mirror. The piercing blue eyes, the gorgeous blonde locks, the strong jaw-line, the sensual lips. Man, I can’t let these good genetics just go to waste. I need to get this DNA into somethin’. I need an ovary to smoosh my little swimmers in to. I need : A DONOR!

So, if you feel you are a potential donor, go and read this : http://www.eggdonationsouthafrica.co.za/donors.asp. It will tell you all you need to know to become the mother of my child. A child that will be a god among men. A hero. A legend. And if it’s a girl it will be pretty. Like me. If you like what you read, then get in touch for an interview.

*uglies need not apply

** please embed your youtube video of yourself by adding the url of the youtube as follows:

*** copy the video url e.g http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Od4_L35hUTo and paste it into the comment form below addin a ‘v’ after the http:// like so: httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0d4….

(once again, uglies don’t bother)

**** This is for real, no sex is involved (unless you like the doctor or summin’, but don’t tell me about it)

***** Seriously, uglies… no. Just go. Now.

****** You will need a womb for this. You cannot do this without a womb. You cannot hatch a baby from your ass. Many have tried, all have failed.

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Uncategorized — 2 comments
01
Feb 10

You hurt me in deep places…

I have long believed that mankind deserves nothing less than to be erased from this miserable rock. Unfortunately I lacked that one piece of all-encompassing evidence to motivate the mass annihilation of the species.

Yes, yes, we have wars, we have holocausts. We have ethnic cleansing and lying politicians. We have weapons of mass destruction and child pornography and all these other things that make us absolutely pathetic and lowly as a species. But I was looking for the clincher. The cherry. The holy grail, exhibit A, the thing that would allow me to stand up before God and the world and say, “Yes, we are useless piece of poop floating on the cess pool of history.” Applause, standing ovation, mass suicide.

Today I found that evidence. I found that gem. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the : “Rate-my-camel-toe” Facebook application. No. This is not a joke. Someone out there who has the ability to develop Facebook apps (granted, it’s not rocket science but it does require a fair amount of logical thought) has decided that his contribution to the betterment of humanity is the ability to rate your female friends camel-toe. The fact that the term “camel-toe” even exists should be reason enough for shame and ridicule, but now we’re rating them. The insult to injury was that I couldn’t find a rate-a-restaurant app. I can give your camel-toe 4 out of 5, but if I had an amazing plate of veal last night, well, you’ll never know.

Anyway. Hope you guys are having a good new year so far. It might be your last because when the alien overlords come, I’m showing them this app and you are all going to kak off.

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Nightclub review — 13 comments
11
Jan 10

The Doors : A cartoon life

Once upon a time, Disney made a television show. This post is all about that television show. Sit down kids, get a mug of your favorite chocolate milk and let’s begin. A long time ago, on a city street far, far away, there lived a nightclub known as The Doors.

Happy punks and rockers would frolic on it’s dance floor, drink merrily at it’s bars and generally be joyous. Friendly bouncers would greet patrons at the door and wish them well on their adventures within. Then a dark thing happened. An evil came upon this happy haven and as a result it was moved to what seemed to be a better place.

For a while all seemed well. People continued going but something did not seem right. I was one of those people. I tried to ignore the feelings of sadness in my belly but on Friday night the claws of evil fell from eyes and I saw the truth.

The bouncers have changed. They are no longer happy and friendly. They are now juiced up, foul mouthed fools of ogre-descent. They have little, if no respect at all for the patrons of the establishment for which they work. Perhaps I am the fool. Perhaps my concept of fun is outdated. Perhaps it is now considered fun to be sworn at and intimidated by overgrown apes for no particularly good reason. If that is the case I shall gracefully bow out and let other more ‘fun’ people step into the firing line.

Once inside I found myself surrounded by brightly clothed people. At first they seemed pleasant and friendly, but after being elbowed and shoved several times on the dance floor, I saw the truth. These were horrible little emo children with no manners. Their brightly coloured t-shirts and nickelbacky wrist bands made me cringe. Their strange backwards baseball caps and inability to hold their liquor made me wish for a sudden and horrendous death (for them, not me).

As I stood at the edge of the dance floor, I was bewildered and sad. The music strained along, happy and bouncy. Gone was the hard rock, alternative and metal of yore. It had been replaced by horrid Irish drinking songs. I went home, dejected and sad.

Back to Disneys show. The Doors is a lot like an episode of Gummi Bears now. Totally pathetic music, brightly coloured ding-bats bouncing around, and daft ogres out to beat them. While life might seem more fun as a cartoon, it is not in reality.

Doors, I vomit on you.

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craygJust another Moral Fibre Magazine weblog

TV sucks

Give me your eggs

You hurt me in deep places…

The Doors : A cartoon life

Twitter: crayg