I have a two year old nephew. His name is Danny. My plan is to make him the coolest individual this planet has ever known. Even though he is only two, he already knows several phrases to assist him in becoming the coolest individual this planet has ever known.
Phrase 1 : Whatup?
This is not really a phrase. It’s a word loaded with meaning. Using this word you can immediately deduce the coolness of the person you are greeting. Should they reply with, “I’m good thanks and you?” then you need to go into level 3 dork alert. A good reaction is to punch them in the face.
If they reply with “Good, whatup with you?” it means they are cool, but you are the dominant cool. You can now extract information and money from this individual and feel no guilt. It serves them right.
If they reply with “Yo, I’m good, how you doin’?” it means they are equally cool. This is someone you can relate to. At this point you might want to do some kind of cool handshake to ensure that they are 100 percent cool and not just faking it (we’ll cover the handshakes in another post).
If they reply with “For shizzle my nizzle.” it means that you can kill this person. Not only are they using words that are stupid, they’re using their stupid words completely out of context. You might think death is a little harsh for this individual, but I’m telling you it’s not.
Danny is two years old and he has mastered the use of this word. You have no excuse.
Phase 2 : Awesome dude
Danny has mastered this phrase and uses it at appropriate times. When he sees a motorcycle or a helicopter, he says “Awesome dude”. This is the correct use of the phrase. When he is watching Disneys “Thats so Raven” (which my parents force him to watch against his will, it angers him so much but he is too small to punch them in their Disney-loving faces) he does not use this phrase. He is aware that Disney and anything they produce is not awesome. It is lame. When I am finished training Danny he will be the anti-Disney. He will lead an army against Disney and destroy their evilness. When he is standing over the lifeless corpse of Mickey Mouse, he will say the words, “Awesome dude.”
Danny, at the tender age of two, has mastered the use of this word. You have no excuse to behave like an idiot.
I would post a picture of Danny here, but normal camera technology cannot capture the coolness that he already embodies.
crayg