craygJust another Moral Fibre Magazine weblog

Bella : Will you love me forever Edward?

Edward : No.

See, that’s a real life conversation. That’s how relationships really are. There’s no waxing on and on about how you can’t live without someone because they make your crappy existence worth while. I spent 2 hours in solid irritation as one weak male after another was paraded before me. Give me one good reason why we should give a shit about any of these characters?

Edward probably has a ‘Neil Diamond does Cabaret’ original LP and that makes me hate him more. I can’t take his poofy hair, his pasty skin and his inability to lighten the hell up. C’mon Edward, crack a joke for crying out loud. His girlfriend is border-line retarded, there’s so much rip-off potential that he’s wasting. Instead he just stares moodily at stuff and says things like “Eternity is like forever, but spelt totally different.”

Jacob. Jacob gave me hope. I thought he was cool at first. But then he stopped doing cool things and started licking Bellas face and saying things like “Gosh, where the hell are all my shirts?”  Why does Jacob spend most of the movie not wearing a shirt? I don’t know. It just gets a bit much. Why doesn’t he just change his name to Granite McRockhard and get it over with?

Other vampires. There are other vampires in this movie. I don’t care about them, neither should you.

Bella. Emo much? I cannot find one appealing thing about this character. I used to think Bella was super hot with extra hotness, but frankly I would go nuts if I had to spend more than 15 minutes with this sad little woman. Someone please hand her a razor blade so we can all get on with our lives.

Gerry. Gerry the Gerbil is the character I invented halfway through the movie. He is a gerbil that can kill any character with his mind. He is genius. He is also the best looking character. Here is a picture of Gerry:

Tags: excruciating pain, kristen stewart, new moon, twilight

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 10th, 2009 at 11:20 am and is filed under Movie Review. You can follow any comments to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a comment, or trackback from your own site.