I remember a time when I was innocent. I was in the flower of my youth, about to bloom into an existence filled with endless possibility. The world was my oyster and nothing stood in my way. I saw only the good in people, never the bad. I didn’t believe in evil. Then things changed. I saw the dark side. I saw a side of humanity that should never be seen. That’s right. I went to the company Christmas party.
As a result of my experiences I have created this simple guide to surviving the company Christmas party with ones dignity intact. All you need is one roll of duct tape.
1) Do not take your pants off
This is a golden rule. Pants removal is a bad thing. Public pants removal is worse. Public pants removal with a photographer present may result in death of any chance you may have had of breeding. Unfortunately, alcohol is often quite a persuasive mistress in this matter. Before the party, duct tape your pants to your torso. Avoid taping over your nipples.
2) Do not wave your arms in the air like you don’t care
I realize that the urge to do this can be overwhelming. As soon as you do this the dignity police will arrest you and lock you up with Tiger Woods and Julius Malema. This is not advisable. Once again, duct tape to the rescue. Carefully paste one strip of duct tape under each armpit. Any sudden arm movements will result in removal of large amounts of skin and armpit hair. The ultimate deterrent to any Will Smith-like behavior.
3) Do not “Bump ‘n Grind” your co-workers
The music is pumping, you’ve been socially lubricated, and suddenly Betty from accounts starts looking mighty fine. The urge to do some ‘dirty dancing’ is becoming stronger and stronger by the second. She looks pretty sweet in her granny sweater and size 50 floral tent. Duct tape is your mighty protector here. As soon as you feel the “Bump ‘n Grind” urge, throw the duct tape at Betty. Then run.
4) Do not party with the bad man
Well, you’re on your own here. Nothing I can do for you. Not even duct tape can save you.
There you have it, how to survive a Christmas party using only duct tape and your wits. You’ll mostly be relying on the duct tape though.
crayg
Hell yes. Partying with the bad man is going to end in misery. Possibly his, but at least he’ll crack some inappropriate jokes and pass out by himself!
And when the bad man cracks his inappropriate jokes, he will be shat on by a complete stranger and not know what to say to her for the rest of the evening. THEN he passes out…
Oh Penny Lane, if only you knew the bad man properly.
So much of funny… I love Christmas parties
Nobody makes mention of the mobile Karoake that is suddenly created with bottle that becomes the all important microphone which attracts groupies like magnets as they belt out in chorus Coz Tonights Gonna Be a Good Night…. (like it wasnt already!!!)
I was promised pictures from said christmas party and its nearly time for another. Man i hate that i missed that party!