craygJust another Moral Fibre Magazine weblog

I looked forward to this movie. Do you know why? No? I will tell you : because I really like robots. I like ‘em, oh yes. Soulless, callous beings with no consideration for human life. Wait, are we talking about bloggers or robots here? I make little jokey.

Moving speedily along, I’m a huge fan of the first two Terminators. James Cameron is legend. Not only does he explore the essence of humanity, loyalty and love, he does it with kick-ass cyborgs and tons of violence. Then, just to prove his awesomeness, he tricks Leonardo diCaprio into starring in a movie for the sole purpose of killing off his character in the gayest way possible! Well done Jimmy!

But then things go south. Some other clown makes Terminator 3. Now lets be honest, the Terminator movies are formulaic, but Cameron used that in his favour. Instead of worrying about amazingly twisty plots, he got himself down and dirty with some excellent character development. Not so for Terminator 3. No, the clown makers of Terminator 3 just try and impress us by making a girl Terminator. That’s all they do. They make a stupid girl Terminator and now we’re supposed to be impressed. Not only that, but poor Arnie is shuffling around with his zimmer frame trying hard to look cool, but let’s face it, every time you see his crows feet you cringe. Terminators are not supposed to age.

On to number Terminator 4. Same formula. You might not think so at first, but just reflect and meditate on it (for months and months), it’s the same story again. This time the protagonist (John Connor) is all grown up. Yes, and it turns out he’s an asshole. But our other protagonist, Bob (because I’ve forgotten his name), is super awesome. He literally shits bullets and can fly. He also invented cheese and can make a mean club sandwich. Bob can also spontaneously produce kittens from his mouth and he built the Statue of Liberty. It’s really irritating when you wish one of the good guys (the asshole one) would just stub his toe and die already. But he doesn’t. Filled with sadness about that.

So, it’s a fine action movie. If you’re a Terminator fan, prepare for disappointment. If you’re a Christian Bale fan, well, your opinion of this movie is meaningless as you have zero taste and nobody likes you.

A movie about an amusement park! It has Bill Hader in it! This is going to be so awesome.

But it’s not. The problem is that the central characters (James and Em) are about as interesting as dry mud (not the kind with grass in it). The only comic relief is provided by Bill Hader. Yes, he’s funny, but he’s not funny enough to carry this entire ‘comedy’ on his shoulders. Don’t watch this unless you think Kristen Stewart is the hottest thing ever. Then watch it by all means. But always be aware that movies like this are slowly sucking the life force out of your body as you watch. They’re draining the very parts of you that make you human (i.e. the ability to love). As you lie before your television set, an empty husk of the person you used to be, a man wearing only a toga on his head will break through your window. He will stand over your shivering, mentally decomposing form, and he will take away the remnants of your dignity with two words, “Matrix sequels”.

You have been warned.

My mom always used to tell me that alcohol was a terrible, terrible thing. I finally believe her. One dark night (because nights usually are dark) I got absolutely smashed on vodka while sitting at home watching Lethal Weapon. As I descended deeper into inebriation, my thirst for entertainment grew to the point that I got my sober friend to drive me to the video store to rent something to quench my need for amazing movie content. After stumbling around the store for fifteen minutes (that video shop girl hates me now), attempting to read the box covers, I eventually picked up “Grudge 3″. Wow. The lettering on the box was so big, I could actually read it. I haven’t seen any of the other Grudge movies but my drunken assumption was that each instalment in the series would be better than the last.

I was wrong.

First of all, there’s a lot of talky stuff. The heros (or whatever they are) seem to talk pointless shit for ages. Then the burpy Japanese woman attacks. Of course, the screen goes black at the most crucial gory moment so you never get to experience the true horror as promised by the cover. It’s like getting the biggest Christmas present ever under the tree and come Christmas morning you discover your grandmother found a bulk sale on socks. It’s like that. Only you probably won’t hate your grandmother as much you’ll hate the makers of this movie.

Anyway, this isn’t really a movie review. It’s a warning. Don’t drink vodka. It really messes up your ability to pick decent movies. Also, if you ever see a spaz Japanese woman suffering from gas, just run. If you lie on the carpet waiting for her to drag her burpy ass over to you, she’ll kill you.