Next we have Greys Anatomy. That’s also quite a special show. There’s some ginger haired freak that scares my inner child on that show. His main job is to walk around having mini-tantrums in peoples faces. He has no idea what personal space is and judging by the wrinkled noses of his co-stars, he has no idea what personal hygiene is either. The storyline was stupid. It involved some girl with no heart (waiting for her heart transplant) and some other guy that she didn’t really know loving her so much that he proposes to her. I’m assuming that he took out life insurance on her heartless ass right before the proposal (that’s the only way the plot would make any sense at all).

Finally we have my personal favourite form of hell : The Bold and the Beautiful. Why I sat through an entire episode God alone knows (and He probably won’t talk about it because it still sickens Him), but I did. So, the story went like this : some really old guy is marrying some really young girl on a beach. He tells her she’s so amazing and that her farts are vanilla scented and her inexplicable bad moods and PMS make him realise that he is indeed a wad of gayness that should die by anal rape in a Chinese prison. At this point I was distracted by his tiny piggy eyes. They were filled with Satanic lies. They proceeded to consumate their devil marriage on a bed on the beach. If I were jogging along a beach and I saw two spawns of evil boning each other on a makeshift bed, I would be quite upset. I would write a letter to the council and hopefully they’d have the bed removed.

Anyway, TV is shit.

Thanks.

Bye.

Option one is adoption. I’ve already looked into this and there are quite a few good programs out there. The thought of grabbing some random kid out of a life of despair and hopelessness and introducing him to a new kind of despair and hopelessness seems appealing.

But then I see myself in the mirror. The piercing blue eyes, the gorgeous blonde locks, the strong jaw-line, the sensual lips. Man, I can’t let these good genetics just go to waste. I need to get this DNA into somethin’. I need an ovary to smoosh my little swimmers in to. I need : A DONOR!

So, if you feel you are a potential donor, go and read this : http://www.eggdonationsouthafrica.co.za/donors.asp. It will tell you all you need to know to become the mother of my child. A child that will be a god among men. A hero. A legend. And if it’s a girl it will be pretty. Like me. If you like what you read, then get in touch for an interview.

*uglies need not apply

** please embed your youtube video of yourself by adding the url of the youtube as follows:

*** copy the video url e.g http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Od4_L35hUTo and paste it into the comment form below addin a ‘v’ after the http:// like so: httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0d4….

(once again, uglies don’t bother)

**** This is for real, no sex is involved (unless you like the doctor or summin’, but don’t tell me about it)

***** Seriously, uglies… no. Just go. Now.

****** You will need a womb for this. You cannot do this without a womb. You cannot hatch a baby from your ass. Many have tried, all have failed.

Yes, yes, we have wars, we have holocausts. We have ethnic cleansing and lying politicians. We have weapons of mass destruction and child pornography and all these other things that make us absolutely pathetic and lowly as a species. But I was looking for the clincher. The cherry. The holy grail, exhibit A, the thing that would allow me to stand up before God and the world and say, “Yes, we are useless piece of poop floating on the cess pool of history.” Applause, standing ovation, mass suicide.

Today I found that evidence. I found that gem. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the : “Rate-my-camel-toe” Facebook application. No. This is not a joke. Someone out there who has the ability to develop Facebook apps (granted, it’s not rocket science but it does require a fair amount of logical thought) has decided that his contribution to the betterment of humanity is the ability to rate your female friends camel-toe. The fact that the term “camel-toe” even exists should be reason enough for shame and ridicule, but now we’re rating them. The insult to injury was that I couldn’t find a rate-a-restaurant app. I can give your camel-toe 4 out of 5, but if I had an amazing plate of veal last night, well, you’ll never know.

Anyway. Hope you guys are having a good new year so far. It might be your last because when the alien overlords come, I’m showing them this app and you are all going to kak off.

Happy punks and rockers would frolic on it’s dance floor, drink merrily at it’s bars and generally be joyous. Friendly bouncers would greet patrons at the door and wish them well on their adventures within. Then a dark thing happened. An evil came upon this happy haven and as a result it was moved to what seemed to be a better place.

For a while all seemed well. People continued going but something did not seem right. I was one of those people. I tried to ignore the feelings of sadness in my belly but on Friday night the claws of evil fell from eyes and I saw the truth.

The bouncers have changed. They are no longer happy and friendly. They are now juiced up, foul mouthed fools of ogre-descent. They have little, if no respect at all for the patrons of the establishment for which they work. Perhaps I am the fool. Perhaps my concept of fun is outdated. Perhaps it is now considered fun to be sworn at and intimidated by overgrown apes for no particularly good reason. If that is the case I shall gracefully bow out and let other more ‘fun’ people step into the firing line.

Once inside I found myself surrounded by brightly clothed people. At first they seemed pleasant and friendly, but after being elbowed and shoved several times on the dance floor, I saw the truth. These were horrible little emo children with no manners. Their brightly coloured t-shirts and nickelbacky wrist bands made me cringe. Their strange backwards baseball caps and inability to hold their liquor made me wish for a sudden and horrendous death (for them, not me).

As I stood at the edge of the dance floor, I was bewildered and sad. The music strained along, happy and bouncy. Gone was the hard rock, alternative and metal of yore. It had been replaced by horrid Irish drinking songs. I went home, dejected and sad.

Back to Disneys show. The Doors is a lot like an episode of Gummi Bears now. Totally pathetic music, brightly coloured ding-bats bouncing around, and daft ogres out to beat them. While life might seem more fun as a cartoon, it is not in reality.

Doors, I vomit on you.

Let us begin. First of all, eye candy. Avatar is one of the most visually stunning movies I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t take long before you’re fully immersed and there is no hope of escape. Everything is cool, from the mech-warrior-style robots to the skinny blue cat aliens to the humongous pterodactyls they ride.

Now the storyline. As I’ve mentioned previously, Cameron tends to take formulaic storylines and perfect them. So this is your standard ‘I-was-bad-but-some-shit-happened-and-now-I’m-good’ story. Cameron manages to let the character development flow smoothly and the audience is free to grow and change with the character himself. The transformations are slow and subtle and there is no one eureka moment. It’s all very well-paced.

Tons of action sequences, all beautifully shot. It’s one of the rare films where I actually got drawn into the action scenes, I felt like I was there, I found myself holding my breath many times (and not just because the guy next to me had the personal hygiene of a yak). It was quite the thrill ride.

So, there has to be at least one complaint right? Yes. Sometimes the movie gets a little preachy about being nice to trees and things. I know we should all love nature, but not all of us are tree-huggers. I suppose James ‘I-make-good-movies-sometimes’ Cameron is allowed to get a little self-indulgent from time-to-time, but there are a few scenes that felt a little laboured. Too much talking blue people! Kick ass now!

Even if you’re not a sci-fi nut, Avatar is definitely worth a watch. Go see it in 3D. Do not ask questions, just do it.

Moving speedily along, I’m a huge fan of the first two Terminators. James Cameron is legend. Not only does he explore the essence of humanity, loyalty and love, he does it with kick-ass cyborgs and tons of violence. Then, just to prove his awesomeness, he tricks Leonardo diCaprio into starring in a movie for the sole purpose of killing off his character in the gayest way possible! Well done Jimmy!

But then things go south. Some other clown makes Terminator 3. Now lets be honest, the Terminator movies are formulaic, but Cameron used that in his favour. Instead of worrying about amazingly twisty plots, he got himself down and dirty with some excellent character development. Not so for Terminator 3. No, the clown makers of Terminator 3 just try and impress us by making a girl Terminator. That’s all they do. They make a stupid girl Terminator and now we’re supposed to be impressed. Not only that, but poor Arnie is shuffling around with his zimmer frame trying hard to look cool, but let’s face it, every time you see his crows feet you cringe. Terminators are not supposed to age.

On to number Terminator 4. Same formula. You might not think so at first, but just reflect and meditate on it (for months and months), it’s the same story again. This time the protagonist (John Connor) is all grown up. Yes, and it turns out he’s an asshole. But our other protagonist, Bob (because I’ve forgotten his name), is super awesome. He literally shits bullets and can fly. He also invented cheese and can make a mean club sandwich. Bob can also spontaneously produce kittens from his mouth and he built the Statue of Liberty. It’s really irritating when you wish one of the good guys (the asshole one) would just stub his toe and die already. But he doesn’t. Filled with sadness about that.

So, it’s a fine action movie. If you’re a Terminator fan, prepare for disappointment. If you’re a Christian Bale fan, well, your opinion of this movie is meaningless as you have zero taste and nobody likes you.

As a result of my experiences I have created this simple guide to surviving the company Christmas party with ones dignity intact. All you need is one roll of duct tape.

1) Do not take your pants off

This is a golden rule. Pants removal is a bad thing. Public pants removal is worse. Public pants removal with a photographer present may result in death of any chance you may have had of breeding. Unfortunately, alcohol is often quite a persuasive mistress in this matter. Before the party, duct tape your pants to your torso. Avoid taping over your nipples.

2) Do not wave your arms in the air like you don’t care

I realize that the urge to do this can be overwhelming. As soon as you do this the dignity police will arrest you and lock you up with Tiger Woods and Julius Malema. This is not advisable. Once again, duct tape to the rescue. Carefully paste one strip of duct tape under each armpit. Any sudden arm movements will result in removal of large amounts of skin and armpit hair. The ultimate deterrent to any Will Smith-like behavior.

3) Do not “Bump ‘n Grind” your co-workers

The music is pumping, you’ve been socially lubricated, and suddenly Betty from accounts starts looking mighty fine. The urge to do some ‘dirty dancing’ is becoming stronger and stronger by the second. She looks pretty sweet in her granny sweater and size 50 floral tent. Duct tape is your mighty protector here. As soon as you feel the “Bump ‘n Grind” urge, throw the duct tape at Betty. Then run.

4) Do not party with the bad man

Well, you’re on your own here. Nothing I can do for you. Not even duct tape can save you.

There you have it, how to survive a Christmas party using only duct tape and your wits. You’ll mostly be relying on the duct tape though.

Edward : No.

See, that’s a real life conversation. That’s how relationships really are. There’s no waxing on and on about how you can’t live without someone because they make your crappy existence worth while. I spent 2 hours in solid irritation as one weak male after another was paraded before me. Give me one good reason why we should give a shit about any of these characters?

Edward probably has a ‘Neil Diamond does Cabaret’ original LP and that makes me hate him more. I can’t take his poofy hair, his pasty skin and his inability to lighten the hell up. C’mon Edward, crack a joke for crying out loud. His girlfriend is border-line retarded, there’s so much rip-off potential that he’s wasting. Instead he just stares moodily at stuff and says things like “Eternity is like forever, but spelt totally different.”

Jacob. Jacob gave me hope. I thought he was cool at first. But then he stopped doing cool things and started licking Bellas face and saying things like “Gosh, where the hell are all my shirts?”  Why does Jacob spend most of the movie not wearing a shirt? I don’t know. It just gets a bit much. Why doesn’t he just change his name to Granite McRockhard and get it over with?

Other vampires. There are other vampires in this movie. I don’t care about them, neither should you.

Bella. Emo much? I cannot find one appealing thing about this character. I used to think Bella was super hot with extra hotness, but frankly I would go nuts if I had to spend more than 15 minutes with this sad little woman. Someone please hand her a razor blade so we can all get on with our lives.

Gerry. Gerry the Gerbil is the character I invented halfway through the movie. He is a gerbil that can kill any character with his mind. He is genius. He is also the best looking character. Here is a picture of Gerry:

Do you  :

a) Stop using Twitter. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. It’s a good thing because while you’re doing amazing things like your laundry you won’t be constantly thinking “I have to Tweet this!”

It’s a bad thing because you’ll be missing out on everyone else’s laundry tweets.

b) Unfollow your “friend”. Once again, a double-edged sword of pain. The positive is that you won’t have to read a retarded tweet ever again. The bad side is that you’ll have to face the risk that they’ll find out you unfollowed them. That means you could lose your “friend” (not a big loss). It will however, count against you when you apply for your Care bear badge of friendship. No smiley face for you, you worthless sack of crap.

It’s a no-win situation. I’ve created a special picture to illustrate how I feel about these people. I hope you agree.

This is not only a true story, but it is also an excellent illustration of what will happen to Robbin Williams and John Travolta should they continue to make movies like ‘Old Dogs’. Yes, they too will drive their cars into ditches in the middle of the Free State. Also, they will become shunned like Charlie the Unicorn at a Candy Mountain bake sale.

First of all, this movie was edited together by an ADD 14 year old. The first 20 minutes left me bewildered. The plot moved along at a breakneck cartoon pace and I got scared. Then for another half an hour, the plot didn’t budge at all. It turned into a documentary. Then for another 20 minutes the plot shot back into breakneck speed. There are claw marks on the inside of my skull now.

Secondly, the soundtrack was stolen from an episode of TinyToons. It made me scared. I’m a very straight-edge guy. Cartoon music is for cartoons. I learnt that from the School of Obvious. Clearly the makers of this movie never attended that school. They attended the School of I’ve-lost-my-damn-mind.

It’s not all bad. Justin Long (the Mac guy) makes an amusing appearance. Seth Green kind of helps too. But it’s not enough.

I think John Travolta hates mankind.

Anyway, wait for it on DVD. If you want to watch a good movie, go see ‘Law Abiding Citizen’. Yes, it stars Gerard “talk-like-a-stroke-victim” Butler, but at least it has a story and characters that have some depth.