Once upon a time when I still had time to watch Oprah, she did a show on child pornography in America: she showed a map with one red dot representing the origin of one pornographic picture of a little girl and within 24 hours the map of America was a vivid red. Most – yes most – of the perpetrators were doing this to their own daughters. Others drugged their daughter’s friends on sleep overs. There are even instruction manuals that catered for all ages starting when they are months old. On these videos you can often hear the girls crying.

This is in America where they are very much aware of what is going on but don’t have the resources to follow all the leads they have, one can only imagine our situation. You know that women get traded like commodities right? I’m blond and thus I would apparently fetch about R 20 000 in Africa, at least I was told that once when I was twenty-one.  The idea is as absurd as it it is real. Women and child abuse in South Africa, if plotted, would paint our map blood red and to me the most frustrating part is the amount of women who either go back or unfailingly choose the same type of boyfriend. So what can you do when someone you know is abused?

Most cities have Domestic Violence Centres which offer a very radical remedy: an all prevailing principle in law is that both sides of a story must heard before a judgment may be taken. At DV, an interdict preventing contact with the victim simultaneously with a interim maintenance order can be made on the victim’s say-so alone by merely filling in a form – the victim never even sees the magistrate who makes the order. A return date is given where the accused may state his case.  Should he contravene the order he may be arrested immediately.

Obviously it’s not this simple: if he knows someone at the local police station, the police may refuse to arrest him, fucked-up but true. My favourite episode at the DV was when a Muslim man stormed in and started yelling at the councillor: how could they tell him not to hit his children when it was his right to discipline them? So he broke the kid’s collarbone – next  time he’ll listen to his father.

The Muslim man broke my stereo-type but many more exit: I live in a well-to-do neighbourhood and the stories that I can tell are just as dark, the shame even thicker. One woman who lived in a white palace with high walls nearby, was kicked down the stairs one too many times so she gassed herself in her car. Abuse is a psychological game that knows no discrimination – it’s everywhere. And that’s why it should be the community who stands up against those who perpetrate these crimes – we should not allow the purposeful isolation that perpetrators contrive to enable then to keep a psychological noose around the victim’s throat.

Please be aware and when you do see something amiss, don’t turn a blind eye – get involved because it is always your place. Another way to help is to support the 16 Days 16 Charities drive: they provide a wide variety of services and are an important stepping stone for those who have nowhere else to go and no-one to ask. Please check it out.