Archive for the ‘featured’ Category

King Buyelekhaya Dalindyebo Annexes South Africa

In the wake of convictions on criminal charges such as murder and assualt, King Buyelekhaya Dalindyebo of the abaThembu has carefully considered his options and, rather creatively, has come up with a brilliant solution to his pending incarceration: annex South Africa! King Buyelekhaya Dalindyebo gave formal notice to the Presidency, parliament and the NPA that following his humiliation at the hands of the High Court of Mthatha and the South African Media, he and his people – loosely estimated at 10 million – will be leaving South Africa, so to speak.

Now lets start with the basics, like who is this entertaining chap? Well he is the Mandela’s tribal chief (ouch) and he was convicted on various serious charges perpetrated against his community like murder, assault and kidnapping. And as to the annexing bit, I must appologise for my sensationalist header; he really is only annexing 60% of South Africa including parts of Gauteng (Johannesburg), KwaZulu Natal (Durban), and parts of the FreeState…and parts of the Eastern Cape – and oh yes, parts of the Western Cape like the beachfront property in Camps Bay.

Notice how he cleverly avoids any area that is economically insignificant like the desert for example although, to best of what I recall from Grade 3 history, he certainly has a better claim to the Karoo than Johannesburg . This is what is so interesting from a legal perspective: clients are always telling you the most amazing tales and fully expect you to put that version to the Judge without any consideration as to actual proof because he is obviously a moron who is going to believe whatever you say…suffice it to say this is not entirely the case. Who really needs proof anyway, right? “Yes your Lordship, Johannesburg could be construed as historically a Bantu area, however prior to the 1300’s…” Let’s stop that right there because this probably won’t reach actual trial stage.

Did I mention that the King also expects R 80 billion in compensation as well as fully expecting the Government to foot the bill for annexing our country. Only in South Africa :-) Well not entirely, remember Tibet? Still, we win for entertainment value and for further entertainment have a look at The Star and The Daily Dispatch

KIng

16 DAYS: Please Help to Break the Chain

Once upon a time when I still had time to watch Oprah, she did a show on child pornography in America: she showed a map with one red dot representing the origin of one pornographic picture of a little girl and within 24 hours the map of America was a vivid red. Most – yes most – of the perpetrators were doing this to their own daughters. Others drugged their daughter’s friends on sleep overs. There are even instruction manuals that catered for all ages starting when they are months old. On these videos you can often hear the girls crying.

This is in America where they are very much aware of what is going on but don’t have the resources to follow all the leads they have, one can only imagine our situation. You know that women get traded like commodities right? I’m blond and thus I would apparently fetch about R 20 000 in Africa, at least I was told that once when I was twenty-one.  The idea is as absurd as it it is real. Women and child abuse in South Africa, if plotted, would paint our map blood red and to me the most frustrating part is the amount of women who either go back or unfailingly choose the same type of boyfriend. So what can you do when someone you know is abused?

Most cities have Domestic Violence Centres which offer a very radical remedy: an all prevailing principle in law is that both sides of a story must heard before a judgment may be taken. At DV, an interdict preventing contact with the victim simultaneously with a interim maintenance order can be made on the victim’s say-so alone by merely filling in a form – the victim never even sees the magistrate who makes the order. A return date is given where the accused may state his case.  Should he contravene the order he may be arrested immediately.

Obviously it’s not this simple: if he knows someone at the local police station, the police may refuse to arrest him, fucked-up but true. My favourite episode at the DV was when a Muslim man stormed in and started yelling at the councillor: how could they tell him not to hit his children when it was his right to discipline them? So he broke the kid’s collarbone – next  time he’ll listen to his father.

The Muslim man broke my stereo-type but many more exit: I live in a well-to-do neighbourhood and the stories that I can tell are just as dark, the shame even thicker. One woman who lived in a white palace with high walls nearby, was kicked down the stairs one too many times so she gassed herself in her car. Abuse is a psychological game that knows no discrimination – it’s everywhere. And that’s why it should be the community who stands up against those who perpetrate these crimes – we should not allow the purposeful isolation that perpetrators contrive to enable then to keep a psychological noose around the victim’s throat.

Please be aware and when you do see something amiss, don’t turn a blind eye – get involved because it is always your place. Another way to help is to support the 16 Days 16 Charities drive: they provide a wide variety of services and are an important stepping stone for those who have nowhere else to go and no-one to ask. Please check it out.

16 Days of activism

Piza e Vino and Goodmans Butchery

The air is electric – literally! As I type this, the first real thunder storm of summer has doused Jo’burg! As if by magic, it never fails to fill me with an incredible sense of joy. I wrote this poem five years ago and it still describes exactly how I feel tonight despite the long day behind me.

This year has just whizzed past and the recent change of seasons leaves me more dreamy than usual (which is virtually sky-bound for pisceans who naturally live with their heads in the clouds). Optimism fuelled by new green shoots on the trees in Parkhurst and the sound of hatchlings has me building castles and unusually for me they’re not only in the sky. But as I can’t say anything about that just yet – here’s the run down since I’ve been so absent lately:

Vincent’s parents were here this last weekend and we were spoiled rotten as they always do; they love food as much as Vincent and I do so we always have to try new places when they come around.

Friday night we went to our new favourite pizza spot in Jo’burg: Piza e Vino in Melrose Arch. Mr Hof wasn’t blown away by Sugo (which we still go to often) so we held our breath to see whether our new find would live up to his high expectations. The interior is modern/retro and as a centre piece stands a beautiful mosaic oven decorated with a large blue ‘Ed Hardy’ swallow suspended mid flight in a yellow sky. For starters we shared crostini – two each of caprese, salami and chickpea spread. The bread was perfect; soft and chewy and the toppings were quality ingredients, all three was fantastic! Then the pizza and yes indeed, this time we got it right. Well almost: Mr Hof thinks he can improve the tomato sauce but really it is a brilliant pizza no matter what topping you choose. If nothing else proves this it’s that Vincent for the first time in five years regularly tries pizzas other than parma and rocket. A special word must be said about Piza e Vino’s steak topping – the pieces are cut think, almost more than a mouth full and it prepared far better than 99% of steak restaurants in Jo’burg - honestly, cross my heart.

The next morning, Vincent insisted that we go in search of the Swiss-Geneve bakery on Kotze street in Braamfontein. Alas, all we found was the memory of where it once was in brightly painted building. And even the memory wasn’t so easy to find: the problem with dating a gadget obsessed man is that he thinks that consulting a map before you actually go looking for a place is old fashioned and maps are only required once the Google or the GPS on his iphone says “Eish! Ga ke tsebe!”Nevermind, Vince’s parents haven’t seen Hillbrow for a few decades – now they know where not to get lost in Jo’burg.

The next treasure on our hunt was a German butchery. The Hofmanns hail from Germany (Mr Hof is first generation South African) and German cooking is a specialty of his. Goodman’s Butchery on Republic is proper German – the owners speak German, therefore they must know what they’re doing, right? Well I don’t believe anything is ever a sure bet and I’d only seen this place from the road on my way to court. Thank heavens! It was awesome; the owner greeted us as we walked in with a piece of boerewors on a toothpick (brilliant – Vincent shamelessly procured three :-) and it continued with two fridges packed solid with wors alone. We left with an armful of shopping only to discover that we’d walked into (no really, it’s so full there was no parking and we had to park outside) a little market of sorts: each shop is old school-owner run and among them there was a flower shop, a dairy and a baker (a large block of a man who gamely shared his secret to dark coloured rye bread with Mr. Hof.) Now we can’t wait to move into the closer.

Flip it’s late and there’s at least three more restaurants that need discussing – I’ll have to get to them on Thursday: tomorrow night is the premier of John Kani’s play turned movie and I’m looking forward. So ‘till Thursday then – ciao.

PizaEVinoMelroseLogoPizaEVinoMelrosePic4

Johannesburg Art Fair : The Highlight of My Month

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved and carved until I set him free.” – Micheal Angelo

paulalouwThese words lead you into the Jozi Art Fair and have special significance when the first installation is that of a rectangular walkway strewn with rusted pangas and machetes, six foot wired fencing surrounds the walk way on both sides and are topped with barbed wiring. One guard in black walks inside this walkway and another stands outside. In the middle, the rectangle in the middle of the walkway, is green grass that looks very, very green. With the second major tragedy to strike Tsvangerai, this installation is set in even starker relief…I just wish there was something more to do than symbolic protest that will probably not set the millions of angels suffering in Zim free.

Anyway. the Jozi Art Fair has been on my must do list for at least a month and I had a blast strolling around the installations. First there’s the art but there’s also the art community who come out in all their glorious craziness; the OTT outfits varied from Zulu beading gone wrong, classic Parisian chic, mad hairdos, run-of-the-mill emos and everything odd in between. And then they opened their mouths and spoke! The pretension, for example, doesn’t ooze, it doesn’t flow – it bloody-well gets up and struts. And I revel in it: all the characters that breathe life and thought into the world of art.

Still on the topic of pretension, or rather arrogance, please indulge me as I air two pet grievances I have. Firstly, I loathe it when people say “RXXX XXX for that?!”. If you walk into someone else’s space do have the good form not to offend their soul bared for your perusal – it’s inexcusably rude and although I have thought a similar thought, there is no pressing need for you to air it. If you don’t want to pay said amount, then don’t do it and you won’t feel ripped off – I guarantee it. Secondly, the remark “I could have done that” is probably as relevant to art as processing cheese. Who cares if you could “do that”, you didn’t, did you? And as to the level of skill you think should be employed, the fact of the matter is that there are numerous artists around the world who make indistinguishable forgeries of legendary artist’s work but they themselves never did anything of their own, the point being that although they could do it – they didn’t. So get over it! Walk on and look for something that does inspire you.

As to the art itself, I had a killer jealous moment when some North African dude simply walked in and said: “I want that and that and that…” – there was so much I wanted! Paula Louw took an old type writer and painstakingly disassembled it, then mounted the various components in an arrangement on Perspex. On the one hand it looks beautiful but more importantly, how relevant is this piece to  Moral Fibre when our whole lives are built around writing and books – well almost; family, friends, food, art and music too…but without the written word our lives would be as bleak as Zim.

Phillimon Hlungwabe’s graceful charcoal Tree Scene reminded me of how important composition is in art, something I believe contemporary artists often ignore to their detriment. Art to me is firstly a visual experience and more often than not, if I’m not drawn in by the initial visual impact I will simply walk past it. The elegant flowing lines in this work makes it something I’d really enjoy in my home.

I love band photography and Liam Lynch does what I love very well indeed. Well known for his pictorial chronicles of Fokofpolisiekar, his images radiate the mad energy of youth culture – you just have to look at them and you’re there. Other photographers that I enjoyed were Roger Ballen and Jodie Bieder. Ballen is black and white, very emotive, contrasting images like the tiny, tiny puppy sleeping on old, gnarled human feet. Bieder in contrast is about bold defiance: the middle aged woman smoking sexy in her Truworths Skinny underwear and in all her post-children glory but so defiant with perfect hair and immaculate make-up, black street kids expressing individuality through punk culture. All Bieder’s work was in brash, full, glorious colour.

Next to Bieder and similar in attitude was Kudzanai Chiurai whose old school posters protested Mugabe’s Regime and who’s graf work spoke his mind: one read “When at war pussy is on discount.” which is a reality of war that evokes the most base emotion in me of rage, helplessness and defeating sadness. The imagery itself is well executed with colours complementing emotion. This is a man I really want on Moral Fibre.

If you don’t believe in coincidence then it won’t seem odd that just earlier this week I was reading a décor magazine where a featured personality recommended Olaf Bisschof as an artist to watch – and there he was and I was watching him – or his work rather – very intently. The talent of the man lies in his colours and incredible detail while maintaining larger than life imagery – it’s painstaking work and arresting for it.

The one piece of art I would have bought without blinking is called “The Invoice” and it’s by Avant Car Guard. The debtor on “The Invoice” is the art community are being invoiced for suffering through one bad art exhibition after another, crap press releases, nails on the chalk board arrogance etc. People who say what many of us are thinking – classic! Though if you look at their blog spot – they have their own brand of narcissism but whatever, it’s still a cool piece.

The bad news is that although the Johannesburg Art Fair alleges to have a well functioning website with a pictorial gallery, they’ve lied. And even the ones that were listed didn’t have all the art exhibited. They mostly have the uber famous listed and I of course chose to enphasise the young upstarts – aren’t they the ones that need the publicity? So alas although I thought that their images would be better than I could manage, it seems even I could have done better than the big void that  Johannesburg Art Fair managed. This is the Johannesburg Art Fair, not the Rosebank rooftop for Heaven’s sake. Most international art houses have a full online catalogue – how did they manage to skip this essential part? Unless the tome they tried to sell at the entrance was supposed to be it and if that was the case, in my opinion it was a serious error in judgment by neglecting an obvious promotional tool that could have been assembled at little cost in a couple of days…so I’m harping but I think it’s justified.


Overall, the verdict is that I’ll definitely be back next year albeit with a camera :-)




Oh my Lord! Vusi Beauchamp!

Vusi Beauchamp's "guts"

Vusi Beauchamp's "guts"


He did NOT?! You bet he did. Vusi Beauchamp is not a stirrer, he conducts an orchestra of stirring. Walking past the Obert gallery it is the bright colours with which his reinterpreted cartoons yells at you that stops you in your tracks. But when you see Coca-Cola font spelling out the word ‘coon‘, that is when you are floored. Maybe more so for me because as a white person it is drilled into you from a very young age that you do not use racist slang. And for those who don’t recognize it (it’s a British word, as an Afrikaans person I had never heard until I came into contact British-Kenyans) it’s akin to our ‘k’ word which, incidently, is what he entitled his co-authored comic book project  – kaffirparadys. Oh.My.Lord. There is a Disney Cartoon version of Zuma and his umshini dancing next to the word ‘coon’. Jaw-drops-to-the-floor-FLOORED.

As I said, Vusi Beaucamp is provocative. Using mixed media on canvas – mostly spray paint stenciling, ink, acrylic - he provokes multi faceted emotion and thought while contradicting the stereo-type. But is it merely sensationalist? Is there depth to his blatant throwing of the fox into the chicken coup? Beaucamp’s work will probably fall into the ‘either you love it or you hate it category’ and I cannot deny that I’m partial to it. I was first drawn to walk across the street that night by the visual impact of his bright colours and interesting cartoons alone. It reminded me of a similar trend in Japanese art based on otaku culture (obsesive subcultures) which blew me away from the first. Commenting through cartoons has the same right hook BAM! that you get when you hear a small cherubic child say something like ‘my mommy is a rich bitch’ – you don’t know whether to laugh or roundly scold the toddler want in die mond van die suigeling en die dronkard sal jy die waarheid hoor (from the mouth of the suckling child and the drunkard you shall hear the truth). Or not depending on your opinion. In my mind, Beauchamp is clearly a brave man who speaks his thoug

Vusi Beauchamp's "brrr"

Vusi Beauchamp's "brrr"

hts at a time when passions are running high before the most exciting election after 1994 in South African history. Like it or hate it, balls with a brain are always to be respected and so I salute a talented man; talent in conception and execution who knows how to achieve a maximum sensory impact. Look it could be because I’m an easily shocked middle-class whitey who enjoys being shocked. But maybe not; I’m pretty sure that it would get a rise out of most South Africans from every walk of life.


The exhibition officially opens at the Obert Gallery in Melrose Arch on the 12th of March and runs until the 31st of March 2009. Pop into the site for a closer look at Vusi Beauchamp the man and especially look at the interview by Fred De Vries for a peak into the melting kaleidoscope that is the mind behind the art.